Grenades v. Gun Shots; or, Serpentine! Serpentine!

With the advent of fall arrives special knowledge that only comes around once a year: I may survive a terrorist attack. I know all about PII and PHI. I passed the Cyber Aware challenge. I know about blood-borne pathogens. I won't do anything hinky on my school's internet. Sexual harassment is bad, mmmkay?

Yes, it's that fun required annual employee training that all DoD employees so look forward to! Here's the best part---most of this has to be done on our janky internet.

How janky? I guarantee it didn't take you 27 hours to upgrade to Apple iOS 7. Just sayin'.

I don't know if this information constitutes any deep, dark, classified secrets (maybe I should have paid better attention), so I won't reveal all.

What I can tell you is that if you are ever in the line of fire, duck down and pray like hell.

If you have a grenade thrown at you, lie flat and pray like hell.

Oddly enough, there is no mention of the "serpentine method" found in one of my favorite movies, "The In-Laws." Up until this training, that would have been my go-to method for any unforeseen sniper attacks.

Also, if you are at a hotel and room service knocks on the door offering cake, DON'T TAKE IT. It could be a ploy by some unnamed evil force. (Whether they are going to poison you or attack you is never made clear). You are supposed to instead call the front desk to see if it's a legit gift. ***

No worries. If room service ever knocks of my door, I know they have the wrong room and just ignore them. If I'm in an actual hotel with room service, I know I'm probably dreaming. Does Holiday Inn Express have room service??

Also, don't leave your private information sitting around. Shocking concept, right? Don't go around emailing people your social security number. That includes me. I don't want your social security number. That is, unless you can also give me your bank account number and any PINs you have at the same time.

Germs are bad. Wash your hands. Often. If you work with small kids, you may want to consider Lysol-ing yourself and stripping down before you walk through your house.

I came home from my first day of storytimes and library lessons at the elementary campus with a snot trail and dirty hand prints all over my nice, new skirt. I love the little kids. I just don't like them always being all up in my bubble. And when it comes to working with little kids, I have a ginormous bubble. Keep your distance, germ carriers!

I am not mocking my training (well, mostly not) and definitely not making light of serious situations. I am, however, a little punch drunk after a marathon session of listening to a robotic voice talk to me, all the while I'm waiting (and waiting, and waiting) on pages to load.





***Yes, the cake scenario is really in the training. I kid you not. I did the same training last year, and when that same slide came up, I got all excited. What's not to get giddy about when cake is involved?